Confession

A few days ago, I remembered the Desdmona contest. I do that often. Know that a writing contest is coming up, and not remember until the deadline is almost here.

This time I have learned that I have to stop doing that. So with a swiped steno pad from work and a lovely pencil--allowing myself to know that my ink to the page is not indelible--I have begun piecing together a story.

Everyone knows that I am a writer, everyone knows I write like I breathe, bleed--it is an excretion of mine. I was talking to someone last week, and he says to me that I should try to get published. I gave him such a look that he negated what he said to me. His was a kind of tough love gesture that everyone gives me because I write, but what do I do with it? I keep saying that I am--so it makes me--a writer. What have I got to show for it? What keeps me back from writing more? Is it fear, is it a lack of time? What has it been?

My entire body is warm from this confession. I never let anyone see the side of me that just goes cold at doing the thing that I love the most. I could not live if I was not a writer. It is how I process everything--thinking how to put it into words. This is the first time that I have put into words that I am not sure why I am not writing more and harder. I know other people beat themselves up about these things, but it really hurts to go inside and not know why there are so many blank screens and pages behind me.

Behind me. Although it is a pain in the ass to write it on the page and then type it--but I will. I have a little less than two weeks to finish this story I am working on for the contest. I am trying not to think about the deadline.

The above image is from Athens Art Association

The Story of O or I?

An acquaintance of mine shocks me by not knowing about The Story of O--I thought everyone knew about that book--there is even a comic book version! He doubly shocked me, and told me about the The Story of the Eye. I was amazed by a book I did not know. I do not mean to come off as a book snob, but I know about a lot of books and I never heard of this one which was amazing because of the perverse and surreal nature--I certainly should have known about it! I am obsessed with finding it as several sources identified it as, "a classic of pornographic literature." And it would just figure that the guy took the book out of the library...so I cannot even borrow it from him!

The image above is from Amazon Books.

Gratitude Tuesday

Jazz

In the form of Astrud Gilberto. I am pretty certain that you cannot capture a bad side of her voice. Whether it is English or Portuguese, she never fails to create a certain sadness or happiness! I was at a lovely now extinct restaurant years ago, and the backdrop was Astrud Gilberto for Lovers.

Need I say more about her, or elaborate more on my gratitude? I was reading the notes in the CD I got of hers today--yes I am that old fashioned--and read that she was a housewife with little musical training. Also that her career did not take off much after the seventies. I also recently learned that Star Trek was not such a big hit in its day either. I think endurance is the key, and to Astrud I bid a warm, obrigado.

Les Anges Exterminateurs

I went to see THE EXTERMINATING ANGELS (the image above is courtesy of indieWIRE. I am not interested in doing a blow by blow review. The main part of the movie was that a director wanted to expore women's private sexual lives and responses. It was hard for him in the movie (and I guess in reality?) to find women who wanted to explore that, no holds barred in front of a crew--to be displayed for the public. The movie was a sensation at Cannes, and caused a scandal in France.

France. Sexuality. Scandal. Need I say more?

The man next to me said that the movie was over the top. I personally have never seen a woman-women--masturbate in front of the camera for a non porn movie. Note, none of this was simulated. Every major sex scene was real. I had a bit of trouble with it, but the main trouble I had was why isn't there a movie like this with men? Shouldn't it be made? We don't know all of the aspects of male sexuaity do we? I would like to write, produce, direct and maybe even act in a movie where men are placed in the same way as women in this movie. If in enough of a state of arousal, would a man kiss another man even if he was not homosexual? Would he masturbate that man and perform oral sex on that man if they were both in enough of a state of arousal? I'm curious, I really want to explore this on film. I wonder if I am willing to explore it on paper or a computer screen first?

My guess? The story will come from my hands before you see it at any major theater--even as porn. Because as much phallic symbols as there are in the world, men still want to keep theirs hidden. I think they should come out of hiding...

Gratitude Tuesday

Icicle

First, I am thankful for Tori Amos's song, "Icicle."

Then I am thankful for becoming one today in NYC. I do love New York, even when it is cold on my face, and colder running up my legs--I was crazy to wear a skirt today with sheer pantyhose!

But when I am warm, and later I am going to lay down like Tori sings in this song...

And on the train ride home, I am going to think of The Butterfly Tempstress, you must go to her post and ponder the quote there, and just the entire post!

This icicle of Tori Amos from Toriphoria .

Total Eclipse

Tonight there is a lunar eclipse, and I cannot help but be excited. Lunar eclipses are rare and mean that can be huge changes astrologically speaking. I am in love with this year--first it is the year of the pig, and a lunar eclipse to follow! I got information from everywhere about the supposed effects of the lunar eclipse. I am not sure I even subscribe to it at all, but it inspires me. I know a man who has adverse reactions to the full moon, but the only thing I know is I love to look at a full moon. It soothes me like nothing else. I love standing in the light of the moon in a dark room and letting it color me.

This amazing image from NASA. I am not even sure I am going to get to see the moon tonight, but I will feel it.

Gratitude Tuesday

Happy

Oddly enough I have been really happy. The kind of happiness that makes you full teeth grin stupidly for no reason at all. To people who are not as happy as you. Who frown at you actually or worse, but you are still so happy that you cannot help smiling!

This remarkable image from http://www.stuartpound.info

They Look

I was already a fan of Helen Mirren, simply because I love her name, which would sound like "they look" in Spanish." On the Barbara Walters special before the Oscars, Mirren was asked about the sensual roles which she had done before "The Queen." Her movie choices and love life--she did not get married until she was 52--were the apex of the interview. Walters asked her if she would take off her clothes again for a film, and with a smile she said yes! I was so inspired by her, she has inspired me to create a new blog label. Femme Fatales can be misconstrued--you can if you would like. The women I will focus on here are women who make me happier to be a woman who creates what I hope are good women--you better believe that "good" is not necessarily what you would interpret as good...and maybe it is!

Slender Thursday

What did you give up for Lent? Do you even do Lent?

I gave up the ecru stuff--also known as the creamy coffee I love...

Untagged Meme

I was reading Giardino del Piacere, and inspired by her "I Am From Post", which she found from Taylor, I found this:

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 103.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 2 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

Well I have the novel I am reading in my bag...here goes...

She laughed, flushed with delight, and for an instant I thought that maybe my hope was as modest and easy to fulfill as hers. She went to the bedroom, hunching over as she walked, trying to cover herself with her undershirt, which was too short for the job. (Don't Move by Margaret Mazzantini)

Hot Water

Valentine's Day was Wednesday, not Friday. If he is going home to bring that to someone, he is in for an ass kicking. I would have been boiling the water from Wednesday...overheard by me on the 2 train, two days after Valentine's Day.

But what if what the woman who said that's companion was right? What if there was some reason why that man was bringing those flowers, balloons and candy so late? There is a story there. I am working on it...

The Year of the Pig

A sage friend of mine told me that the year of the pig means that if you want to get something done you can do so this year--that is what the pig respresents. I guess then that I picked a good time to up the ante on my erotic writing. Does that mean that my characters will be filled with excess as well? Excessive pleasure hopefully? Well that is dictated by me...

I Overheard...

at a book release party at the R Bar...

...I am asked to set up so many people I forget if I am introducing people to book agents, real estate agents, men or shrinks...this was overheard so I forgot some of it, but for the sake of random inspiration I got the gist...

Watching

New York is one of the best places in the world to watch couples. Couples of all ages inspire me. Last week I was on the bus, sitting in front of an older couple who were tourists (from further along the east coast!) She says to him, "Look at the building with the bow on top!" I cannot help but subtly turn my head to see which one has the bow on top! This becomes a conversation between them about when they lived in New York, and where they are living now.

On the train today, I saw a young couple sitting together, he had one hand on her thigh, the other behind her knee. She throws her head back, looks like she is crying her eyes closed tight. I realize after awhile she must have told him she was not ticklish and he is trying to prove her wrong!

I can imagine a better story from the second couple...

The image above was found on Getty Images

Titillation

Desdmona has a wonderful new contest. To write something erotic about a tattoo, or permanent body adornment. It was fascinating to me to see it in my inbox, because that very day I met a male barista with a luscious tattoo. A lovely pastel color, and just something I was not expecting to see on a man. It would be easy to make that erotic...it would have helped even more if the guy had been more attractive to me. Let's just say it never hurts to have a bit of fantasy when you are working on a erotic piece? Oui?

I still have to work on the story that I started here too--lovely how a post for my blog can exist in the form of a draft I am working on...

...more to come. I am titillated beyond inspiration!

Anais? Anais?

I just came from The Fish Tank (see Links), and there were comments that my piece (so far in fragments) reminded readers of Anais Nin. I was speechless. That means that there is definitely something to work with here.

Be patient with me as I work it out.

Taking it All In

I just came from The Fish Tank (see Links), and I am digesting what was there, which I will not discuss until I can reply which is another four days...

...in the meantime

She felt like O in The Story of O.
Except she was sitting beside him in her underwear in the taxi.
He was not saying anything to her ar all.
She did not know where he lived, so she watched Manhattan fly by her.
Then water.
They were over the bridge.
She looked at him once.
He was staring straight ahead, his lashes filled with light.
She wanted to know what was going on inside him.
But then she wanted to play the game too.
She was confused.
Sex was never a game or a theater exercise for her.
She was not sure what she was going to do.
What she was expected to do.
But she knew that she wanted to be here.

Back to the Fish Tank

I just posted what I have been working on here on the Fish Tank (see my Links in case you are not familiar), so now I know I mean business. I know they will let me know what I have been doing all this time, and feed me with good suggestions and notations...

Crime and Punishment

"So you mean to tell me that you lied about reading the book?"
She looked at him stunned.
"So I lied to get you into bed--I mean the bathroom. Sometimes a girl has got to do what a girl's got to do."
"Well I never not finish reading a book..."
She remained stunned.
If he was upset that she lied about reading the book, could she continue on with a man who stickler like a schoolteacher?
"So I guess you always finished reading a book when assigned in school?"
"Yes, and I am a schooltecher for real. You did not know that about me, did you? And I always punish students who lie about finishing books..."
Her face was scarlet.
She knew this was going to be some kind of role playing scenario which scared her.
She was not sure that she wanted to be punished.
But she was not sure either that she could resist the desire to run her fingers and scratch the glass of the microscopic glasses he was wearing either.
"Well maybe I am a rebel. Maybe I don't want to be punished."
He grabbed her upper arm.
"You don't make the rules here missy--come along. You are going to the dean's apartment.
"But--"
"Nothing...But nothing"

Dirty Little Secret

Want to hear a dirty little secret?

I'm back after the holiday break, and I am thinking to myself, what am I going to do with the piece that I have been working on? Stopped dead cold because I could not think of a book that would have been the book that I wanted to put in the piece.

So I stopped writing, my operation was shut down because I could not find the perfect book!

Isn't that the nature of writers--perfectionist ones like myself who cannot get a word down on the page without judging? And hadn't I decided I was not going to do that post NaNo?
So I shall continue:

"How far along are you in the book," he asked her.

Sugar was on the book from the table and her fingers.

"I have not even started it yet," she turned to him in the middle of the street.

"But you were telling me about it in the cafe..."

She raised her eyebrows, and licked her lips, as he looked at her defiantly.

"I skimmed it."